The pacing and staging are well done. They, aside from your drafting abilities are some of your best strengths.The relationship/dynamic between Hat girl and the Dude is bit confusing. You introduce them like a team, then the Dude is left out because he is obviously interfering, seeing as how she cuffs him later. But then he gets the gold and she shoots at him. Later he seems afraid of her before she jumps his bones. I feel like through the story you can arrive at my first opinion of their relationship, but I wish there was more in the beginning to give the dynamic some context.
Arg! That relationship came across in the script but isn't coming through in the actual film~! I've been struggling with it all this week. It's supposed to be: She tells him to stay there, he sneaks on, she sees him, is swayed by his sudden courage but is snapped back to reality and cuffs him there. She's pissed that he got the gold but gives him a chance to escape by shooting at him with her bad arm. Then when she gets home, first she's annoyed but grateful. Thus, sex.
I'm trying to do this without dialogue either...
Understandable about the dialogue. Hmmm... I'm thinking you need to add something early in the beginning to establish the dynamic. Show the viewer something that alludes to his ineptness, and to their shaky alliance.
Okay! We'll see what I can do tomorrow morning!
I'll take the time to do a more in depth critique, but I wanted to give you some immediate feedback.The way you introduce the anti-gravity physic is very clear with the conductor activating the generators. Very well managed.The only thing that threw me off in the beginning was the time Hat Girl takes to fire at the coin. Since she is sneaking aboard this train and is supposed to be the more calculating and capable character in this story it seems out of character for her to take the time to do any showboating of her marksmanship once the heist has begun. Especially since it might alert the guards you established a moment earlier.A few nit-picky things.When Hat Girl and Shotgun Girl both take cover behind the crates from The Dude's Thompson bullet barrage, I expected that they would still try to attack each other. If you could have Shotgun Girl take cover in a way that she is clearly separated from the other, then you could avoid creating the expectation that she's going to immediately retaliate.In regards to the relationshipI was able to follow how you introduced the characters in the opening scene. I figured they had the same object, but weren't really working together, because of how you show the dude acting once she's left the house.Since you don't give any other setup for their relationship after that I was cracking up when she slapped the cuffs on him, because I was expecting her to be more grateful that he's there to cover her in the fight.I'm not sure I agree with her taking a shot at him once he escapes with the gold. Her actually taking the shot just seems a step too far.I wouldn't change a thing in the scene where she comes home.
Hey guys. After critiques today I've cut the beginning down to back what it was originally. I intended for Min and Paul's relationship to be confusing until the end when you realize that they live together. After that you infer what you will.